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Personal Forgiveness

There are times in life I am left bewildered. This past year those moments have been often. In examining the events I have looked at my life and have seen where my behavior played a part, but playing the “what if” game did nothing but amass great guilt. Guilt I pointed directly to myself, allowing the blame to land at my feet. Well in good in taking a personal responsibility, it still did not change what happened. With not being able to change the past nor the events which transpired I had to come to a solution.

Personal forgiveness. I was not brought up to side step my responsibility or to evade the consequences of my actions. I was suppose to remind myself daily all my wrongs and make sure I held myself accordingly. Unfortunately there is a fine line in knowing, admitting, and learning to let it go, something at the age of 51 I have not mastered.

I want to be a good person. I want everyone to see a person of charm and goodness, but as long as I see myself as a monster and one of having value, how can anyone see me? This is where I needed to forgive myself. Yes, I am flawed. I have made extremely terrible decisions which at the time I felt would only have an effect on myself. Yet like a ripple in the lake its stretched our to many around me even at the moment of making the decision to this year and will still be felt for years to come.


I forgive myself for not knowing how my mental illness played a part in my decisions. I forgive myself for not having the current information I have now which would have made me change my actions. I let go of the anger inside towards myself and embrace myself to heal. I take with me the knowledge of every action, every decision I make has a far reaching effect, and will try to temper it with wiser eyes. I can only go forward. I will not forget what I have done, but I don't have to torment myself.  

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