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Solitary

Writing for the most part is said to be a solitary occupation.

In my case and many others I have found this to be true. I find i am not one to surround myself with people, and crave the seclusion. Infact, most of my occupations I have worked by myself with little or no interaction with others. When I do mingle with friends and family I find often I feel drained, left with no energy.

Being human, I have cycles where I crave to be around others. Unfortunately, being shy I do not have a circle of friends at my ready. The friendships I have been able to gather are long term relationships but sadly they live in other states or countries. It's these times I find that I spiral into a depression.

The longing for kinship is overwhelming. The simple pleasure of meeting with my peers to simply enjoy a cup of coffee and exchange banter is often taken for granted by most, but for me it is an impossiblity. During these times I have to force myself to stay focused. I do have have immediate family nearby, that act like a bandaide affect. If there schedules and mine permit to gather together sharing an even closer intimacy. Though my sisters are also my friends, we can never truly fullfill that longing for companionships.

This past month, I find the aloneness unbearable. I have found I have put my writing aside as I have been finding little joy in my attempts at my stories. I find days where I simply feel as if I can not breathe and though the simple act of getting out of my home to meet people close to me throws me into a panic.

I am hoping this cycle of need will fade soon. In the mean time, I pace the floors, sleep too much, and some nights... Some nights when I am feeling exceptionally lonly and frustrated I actually cry.

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